©Ed Pickford mcps/prs

         [I keep re-writing this song –why don’t you have a go?]                          

         When you score with a chick in a nightclub bar

Drive her home in your groovy little car

Then you find you went to school with her Ma and Pa

You’re the oldest swinger in town

When you daren’t look in a mirror by the light of day

Try to dye it when your hair turns grey

When you zip up your chinos and your belly’s in the way

You’re the oldest swinger in town,

 

Chorus:

Medallion on your hairy chest

Just above your thermal vest

When your butts gone South and you’ve gone West

When you’re the oldest swinger in town.

 

When you’re about as cool as an ancient Greek

When the girls don’t understand a word you speak

You walk into a disco and they offer you a seat

You’re the oldest swinger in town.

When you’d prefer tea to bicardi and coke

When you can’t stand hip-hop and you can’t stand smoke

When you’d like another dance but you’re scared you’ll

have a stroke

You’re the oldest swinger in town

 

Chorus:

Friday night you’re on the booze

South Shields answer to Tom Cruise

You’re a real sex bomb with a two-inch fuse

When you’re the oldest swinger in town

 

When you look like a Homer Simpson clone

When you draw blood when you use a comb

When your only thrill is your vibrating phone

You’re oldest swinger in town

When you’re the only guy wearing nine-inch heels

And your favourite fast food is meals on wheels

You think a man is just as old as the woman he feels

When you’re the oldest swinger in town.

 

Chorus:

A disco king on a seventies night

A neon smile that doesn’t look right

Because your dentures glow in ultra violet light!

When you’re the oldest swinger in town.

 

You think the mile high club is some fancy pub

You’re the oldest swinger in town

You’re as up to date as ducks in flight

A Don Juan with potato blight

It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night

You’re the oldest swinger in town.