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Words & music

 Ed Pickford © prs

Tune: Johnny’s So Long at the Fair-ish  

Spoken:

There’s many a crime from the sewers of slime

Defining a man’s inhumanity

But one above others stands aal by itsel’

In annals of deviant depravity


As honest folk sleep - in deed of the night

The owl on patrol starkly shrieks

There’s a man in a hood - wee’s up t’ nee gud

He’s the dorty damned slasher of leeks


Ah’ll tell yer a tale that’ll mak yer bairns wail

One neet one the news Ah saw flashed

Ah dropped me Beano - forget Tarantino -

“The leeks doon the cluuuurb had been slashed”



The club waas jam-packed and the leeks was aal racked

So how could it be the leeks were attacked?

They lay on the floor - they were murdered and hacked

A crime that dare not speak its name


Chorus:

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Murder and mayhem most foul!


They caaled Perry Mason - they caaled Columbo

They caaled Sherlock Holmes – he waas a dumbo

And that Hercule Poirot taaks mumbo jumbo

An’ fiddles aroond wi’ his tash


Down from Winlaton came Tom Torquemada

There wasn’t a man whee could have tried harder

Then somebody pinched his aad Ford Grenada

So he went off yame in a huff


The finger waas pointed at Billy near Hexham

His wife was from Byker but he was from Wrexham

He sang like Tom Jones and did nowt but vex them

For they were as jealous as sin


Chorus


The crime was then solved - by Billy MacDougall

Her couldn’t play darts - but he could search Google

He fund a tale in the ‘Waak Daily Bugle’

Concerning a leek slashing whippet


Leek slashin’ dawgs are the curse of our nation

Ah’ve seen them deal drugs on Newcastle Station

A cuff round the lugs and two weeks probation

Is nee way t’ deal wi’ that crime!


Aal of the coppers waas tetchy and manic

Fear stalked the cobbles from Amble t’ Alnwick

There was less panic onboard the Titanic

Than them looking roond for that hoond


The whippet waas captured at Newcastle Airport

The shape of his heid the reason he waas caught

The minute the checker looked down at the passport

He’d pinched off a Bedlington terrier


Reward for the capture of dorty leek rippers

Mair often than not is two Craster kippers

But this time they hoyed in a pair of new slippers

Washed up on the Newbiggin beach


The trial was attested at Gateshead Assizes

A toon that sells stotties in ten different sizes

They’re all canny folks - they’ve hung aal the misers

The ones with short arms and laang pockets


For all of those leeks that were murdered and slaughtered

Yer’d think that this dawg would be hung drawn and quartered

But that Gateshead Judge waas far too soft hearted

He freed him and then stroked his heid


The leek-slashing whippet might hev been shameless

But Ah’ll tell yer what! He’s nee ignoramus

He went down t’ Crufts - became rich and famous

And bowt a big kennel in Wark


He hez his own butler t’ pick up his poop

His fayce was aal ower on tins of leek soup

On Jools Holland’s show he sang wi’ a group

And this is the song that he sang:.


Chorus:

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Oh dear! Death at the leek show

Murder and mayhem most foul!


The crime was then solved - by Billy MacDougall

Her couldn’t play darts - but he could search Google

He fund a tale in the ‘Waak Daily Bugle’

Concerning a leek slashing whippet


Leek slashin’ dawgs are the curse of our nation

Ah’ve seen them deal drugs on Newcastle Station

A cuff round the lugs and two weeks probation

Is nee way t’ deal wi’ that crime!


Aal of the coppers waas tetchy and manic

Fear stalked the cobbles from Amble t’ Alnwick

There was less panic onboard the Titanic

Than them looking roond for that hoond


The whippet waas captured at Newcastle Airport

The shape of his heid the reason he waas caught

The minute the checker looked down at the passport

He’d pinched off a Bedlington terrier


Reward for the capture of dorty leek rippers

Mair often than not is two Craster kippers

But this time they hoyed in a pair of new slippers

Washed up on the Newbiggin beach


The trial was attested at Gateshead Assizes

A toon that sells stotties in ten different sizes

They’re all canny folks - they’ve hung aal the misers

The ones with short arms and laang pockets


For all of those leeks that were murdered and slaughtered

Yer’d think that this dawg would be hung drawn and quartered

But that Gateshead Judge waas far too soft hearted

He freed him and then stroked his heid


The leek-slashing whippet might hev been shameless

But Ah’ll tell yer what! He’s nee ignoramus

He went down t’ Crufts - became rich and famous

And bowt a big kennel in Wark


He hez his own butler t’ pick up his poop

His fayce was aal ower on tins of leek soup

On Jools Holland’s show he sang wi’ a group

And this is the song that he sang:…………….Chorus:



Death at the Leek Show